worldsaway

Sometimes at night it hits the hardest. Not even in a dramatic way—just this quiet, steady thought: I don’t want to be here anymore.

Not even because something terrible happened that day. Sometimes the day is completely fine, and that almost makes it worse. Because if this is a fine day, and I still feel like this… then what am I even waiting for?

I think the scariest part is how normal it feels now. Like this isn’t some rare spiral or bad night. This is just… part of my baseline. Most days, at some point, I think about how much of a relief it would be to not wake up tomorrow.

And I don’t mean it in a “I’m going to do something” way—that thought is rare. But my brain has still gone there more times than I can count, like it’s keeping a list in the background. Not even for a reason. Just in case, I guess.

But honestly, it’s not even about the ways. It’s the feeling.

The relief.

The idea of not having to do this again tomorrow. Not having to carry whatever this is in my chest all the time. Not having to patch myself up over and over when I don’t even know what I’m fixing anymore.

I’m so tired of pretending I’m okay. Or happy. Or even just “good.” I don’t even know what real happiness feels like anymore—not in a way I can recognize when it’s actually happening. It feels like something I used to know, not something I have now.

And I’m tired of being what everyone else needs—bending, adjusting, making sure everyone around me is okay, making sure I don’t disappoint anyone. I don’t even know who I am underneath all of that. I don’t know what I want, or where I’m going, or if I even care.

Sometimes I feel like I’m already halfway gone. Like I’m just hovering above my own life, watching it happen. Going through the motions because that’s what I’m supposed to do—but not really in it.

So yeah. Sometimes I think about dying.

Not in a loud way. Not in a crisis. Just in this quiet, constant way—like an exit sign that’s always on in the background.

And most of the time, it’s not even about wanting to die.

It’s about wanting everything to just…stop.